For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
