Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize