when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
