this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
