I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
