I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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