I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
