bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
