he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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