just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
sarcasm needs its own font
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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