You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
