i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
