I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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