just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
