I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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