he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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