Do you still have your period?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
