I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
