he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
