sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Randomize
