youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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