You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
