bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
