there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
