I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
