I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
