My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
