You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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