I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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