I faked an abortion last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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