So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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