sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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