Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
