Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
