anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
