I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
