Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
