im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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