Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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