yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
