Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
