pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
