I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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