may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
