closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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