I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize