Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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