I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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