please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
