It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize