The maid of honor just puked.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
