very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
