Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
