Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
