I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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